Do We Need to Talk About the Past?

Frequently I am asked how important I believe it is to deal with a person's past history in order to solve present day problems. Often the questioner has an understandable desire to leave the past behind, set goals for the future, and live in the "here and now." I am supportive of these aims, but "leaving the past behind" may not be as easy as it first appears. If my clients express a definite desire not to discuss the past, I will honor this. There are almost always issues that can be profitably addressed on a here-and-now basis—communication skills, problem solving and decision making skills, learning healthy "self-talk," behavioral change, anger management, etc. Sometimes this is all that is needed.

But often even reluctant clients will begin to see a need for understanding and coming to terms with their own past issues, hurts, and childhood years. This may be after there has been some initial progress in counseling, but further progress seems to bog down. There are a number of reasons for examining past history.

When my wife and I had been married about two years, it occurred to me that we had been replaying an uncomfortable scene rather frequently in our marriage. Late in the evening, Suzanne would tell me that she was about ready to go to bed. I said that I would be along shortly. She would announce several times that she was almost ready to go to sleep. I would stall, saying something like, "I won't be much longer," or "I just want to finish so-and-so." She would become more insistent, saying something to the effect, "It sure would be nice if you'd come to bed with me." At that point my anger and resistance, which had been steadily increasing, would force its way into my consciousness and I would say something “clever,” like "Get off my back, will you?" or, "I'll come to bed when I'm good and ready."

After two years of this routine, it occurred to me to wonder why this was happening (sometimes I'm a little slow). My own negative response seemed particularly puzzling to me. I felt as though my wife was trying to dominate and mother me. Yet I should have been flattered that she wanted me with her. How would I feel if she said, "I'm going to bed now, Honey—could you wait up another hour and then come to bed after I'm asleep?" It didn't make sense.

Then a scene from my childhood flashed in my mind. In my early teen years, bedtime was an "issue" between my mother and me. In my quest for independence, I felt that I should make up my own mind about when to go to bed (in other words, stay up all hours of the night). My mother, on the other hand, seemed to want to deny my independence, lecturing about concepts like "staying healthy" and "getting up in time for school."

Now things fell into place. I realized that I was transferring feelings from my past onto my wife. I was reliving some minor adolescent rebellion (normal for adolescents and parents, but inappropriate between husband and wife) that had never been completely resolved. Suzanne was being "set up" by me in the mother role. Realizing this, I was able to take steps to resolve the earlier issue, and to consciously separate, in my mind, Suzanne from my mother, and the present from the past.

Many people come from family backgrounds where there has been major dysfunction—parents and children did not maintain healthy roles and relationships. The term "ACOA" (for "Adult Children of Alcoholic(s)") is often used, since this dysfunction is found in alcoholic families. However, the dysfunctional patterns are often just as true of other families, such as where there has been physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, other forms of trauma or major confusion in rules, roles and boundaries. It is being discovered that adults coming from such family backgrounds frequently have certain characteristic problems.

Since the ways that people learned to cope with life's stresses in such families are often not very effective on a long-term basis, a nagging and chronic depression frequently sets in—often in the late twenties or early thirties. People may feel that others don't really know what they are like; in fact, they are not so sure themselves who they really are. Problems with intimate relationships are very common. There is frequently difficulty in handling strong feelings in a balanced way, whether in oneself or others. There may be a fear of loss of control, and a need to feel in control of oneself and one's environment. Compulsive behavior is common, as is a feeling of great frustration with trying to plan for the future. There may be perfectionist tendencies, and procrastination as a result. There are often feelings of guilt about a great many things, as well as problems in trusting (though this individual may be very loyal and conscientious).

While any one person will probably not exhibit all the above characteristics, these and certain other difficulties are all "high probability" behaviors of individuals from dysfunctional families. These patterns are usually traceable to one's family of origin, and making the link with the past can be a very effective step in understanding and change. Irrational fears become more manageable when their origin is understood. Inappropriate "life decisions" can be reconsidered—and "re-decided"—when they are recognized and their origins identified (for example, the "decision" to avoid pain by choosing not to feel emotion). Attempts to forgive may be ineffective if one has not come to terms with one's past and truly faced the root issues for which one needs to forgive. Certain problematic patterns in one's present "family system" often become easier to understand and deal with when their origins are traced to the family system in which one (and one's spouse) grew up. There may need to be healing for emotional damage done during early traumatic experiences.

To put it differently, the foundation for our later life is laid in childhood. When a house needs fixing, major cracks and inadequacies in the foundation cannot be adequately compensated for in any other way but by giving attention directly to the foundation. (Someone I know recently raised his house and replaced the entire foundation before setting it back down.) I believe it is both wise and prudent to seek understanding and healing for our past as well as our present. This is true for individuals where there has been major dysfunction in their family of origin, but it is also helpful in the more minor problems that every one of us faced in our growing up years. This understanding and healing can be sought through personal meditation and prayer (perhaps recording memories and insights in a journal), through talking with trusted friends, as well as through the process of counseling.